1). Knights of the Knight (4-1)
There is only one thing better than Alex’s roster… and that is his participation in the group slack following the birth of his child, Willy Scott… but, thank the good Lord almighty we haven’t seen the double Michigan gif for a few days. Sounds like some lame-ass code to me! Besides having dynamite rosters, Alex and I have something else in common; that is, we are both not getting laid these days… and we have two championships under our belt. Stay strong, brother. Realistically, Alex has a roster that, if the stars aligned, could literally triple the scores of average BBC-ers like KUNU or Eric. If Deshaun manages to keep throwing 12 touchdowns, CMC continues to throw catch and rush for 6 touchdowns, & Amari continues to be the only receiver in Dak’s eyes, we are screwed! Will DeAndre start to produce? I hope not..
2). KIG BAHUNAS (3-2)
The odds of Robbie Gould missing 3 of 4 field goals is nothing short of spectacular and… lucky. I said it, but just this once I was lucky to squeak out a win against a formidable opponent in Steve Ellis (now we can trade). With Melvin putting his jock strap back on and with Zeke and Ingram in the RB1/RB2 positions, Grant’s backfield is something to be reckoned with. Weekly, this owner faces challenges in his FLEX and WR2 positions. He remains weak at TE, but by the hair of his gooch the $6 (AUCTION MONEY) Austin Hooper put the team on his back with 7 points in week 5. Look for this owner to be 4-2 after this week.
3). Yarvard U (3-2)
Congratulations goes out to this owner for being birthed by the wonderful Andrea “I love taking family pictures” Schindler AND an even bigger congratulations goes out to Schindler for having sex 5 times in one day. Absolutely unreal, but I love supporting and celebrating my friend’s sex lives! Makes me wonder how it’s been for Earl.. we will get there tho.. Although winning in some areas of his life, he lost in what matters most… fantasy football. Big Dick Slingin’ Aaron Jones gave this owner a glimpse of hope despite a no-show performance from Mike “did he even play?” Evans.. but it wasn’t enough to offset the shear manliness of George Kittle (I love his tattoo btw..). I place this owner at #3 going into week 6, as his roster looks primed and ready to pounce. His trio of backs is impressive.. just wondering if and when Lev’ Bell will put up some old time numbers. It’s too bad I can’t say FREE BILAL this year.. but let’s see if class will be back in session this week.
4). Yo Adrians (2-3)
Hoober, I’m not sure why I’m doing this, but I’ve got you high coming into week 6. I was impressed by your performance in week 5, and you would have beaten everyone except Shula hahahaha. With Tyreek coming back to the fold, I think we are safe to assume you will be 3-3 after this week AND I also expect you will come to terms with naming your son, Grant. Also unrelated, after seeing Hoober this past weekend, it was remarkable to see how many grey hairs he has!!! Does the carpet match the drapes my friend!? Looks like the looming advent of fatherhood is taking a toll on this BBC owner.
5). Prison Mike’s Dementors (3-2)
Justin, I have you at 5 because I truly believe you will win against Josh this weekend.. but it’s gonna be close. The success of this team swings with the success of Leonard “I’m a darkkkk man” Fournette. His RB1/RB2 face some tough run defenses, but the sample size of the last 2 weeks looks to be promising for week 6. In general, Justin, you should consult with me before you make deals. I talked you off a ledge 3 weeks ago and you won the following 2 matchups. I’m amazing. God bless. Special s/o to this BBC member for taking his wife to see Hugh “one day more” Jackman.. It’s safe to assume he was pleasured for his generous gift!
6). Mixon, Mix Off (2-3)
Stop changing your damn name.. I miss Suggs-ual Healing hahahah. It honestly pains me to even put this owner at #6 considering his roster hasn’t performed to it’s potential. This owner has a lower PF/G average than Ethan “yeah we are like dating” Shula at 76 miserly pts. The highest point total this owner has scored was 113 when he was throttled by some KIG BAHUNAS. But as any seasoned fantasy member would say (I have 2 rings, thus I’m seasoned), it’s all about the long game. Speaking of long game, I believe the desert is over for this BBC member, congrats! His roster has some serious fire power, but I can’t put him above 5 until he puts up some points.
7). Voodoo Mama JuJu (3-2)
Juju is on to the second backup QB, Odell plays for the browns, Lamar is inconsistent, Engram is out, and the list goes on.. As one of the best managers in the league, I’m not too worried about his current ranking at #7. Will we see some trades from this owner? Will this owner move to Charlotte? How is his sex life? Is Cameron also a race car? Questions we’ve all been asking ourselves this week.
8). Too Many Cooks (2-3)
Hey Tom, hope Spain is all that you hoped and dreamed. You must be closer to God there, because you barely beat YARVARD U. Here’s to hoping you have ample time to make love and read through the slack messages that you seem to consistently miss. No one misses text communications, except you. You have some diamonds in the rough in relation to your team, but that doesn’t matter because Alex “did it work this time?” Scott is coming to town. There is not much you can do to prepare for that, except pray!
9). The Cluster Screw (2-3)
Here’s to hoping JAWS’s performance against Hoober this week is as beautiful as his sister in law, Molly “runways muhfuggin optional” Kincaid. With Saquon out, Ekeler competing for touches (love you Melvin & I love risk), and your only good player being Mahomes, it’s gonna be tough to pull yourself out of this hole that you created. You are the reigning MOY, so prove us wrong my friend. How’s the sex tho?
10). # Hustlin (1-4)
Oh Shula.. it’s truly a shame I must bend you over this weekend, but it’s more of a shame that you decided to stay at home this past weekend instead of seeing myself, Ellis, Schindler, and Hoober. Your receivers are the only members of your team worth mentioning.. and it’s actually hilarious that you beat Josh this past weekend. In all seriousness, even though we give you a hard time and ask you a million questions, we are praying for your relationship with Katelyn.