Written by Alex Scott

1. Alex

Alex has spent most of this fantasy season in the “dessert.” While he himself has been in a dry land, it’s been another story for his team. UncleAl leads the league in points for, and for good reason. From top to bottom, this is the most complete roster. Alex has had his fair share of good fortune this year: Kelce fell to him in the 2nd after Honest Abe took AB ahead of him; he decided at the last minute not to trade Derick Henry; and he pulled off the heist of the year getting CMC for a 7th from Earl. (How could Earl have possibly succeeded this year if he had a guy as talented as CMC on his team?) The only misfortune he’s had to this point has been Saquon Barkley’s completely underwhelming play since trading for him. The good news for Alex remains that with all his depth at RB, SB’s reprehensible play may not come back to bite him.

2. Eric

Not since the great German Monk Martin Luther has a man so principled walked the face of the earth. It’s almost as if weekly Eric is nailing his 95 fantasy football theses to the proverbial door of the league office saying, “Fellow owners! This is how you ought to manage your team.” Up to this year, Eric has nothing to show for his principled stands on fantasy management. This year, however, he decided to eschew his “trade-back-and-draft-19-WRs” approach, and Eric has his best club since what seems like the Protestant Reformation. There is one catch, though: he’s become utterly impecunious for the 2020 season. Considering Eric’s profligate use of resources, this year can only be a success if he claims his first championship.

3. Steve

This team is a bit of a one-man show, but what a show it is. Captain Hook and Ladder certainly has laid claim to pick of the draft having selected Lamar Jackson in round 15. 15! For reference, Shula took the vaunted Ito Smith one pick before. (Hats off to Shula for another stellar season!) Steve’s team is not without talent outside of the QB position. He boasts a stable of running backs that, on paper, appear to be some of the best in the league. While all three players rank in the top 15 at the RB position, the output at this position can really only be characterized as stochastic at best. Given that Steve can’t guarantee what he’s going to get out of his backs, he may have to rely even more heavily on Lamar come playoff time. The ceiling for this team is a title, but the floor may just be a first-round exit scoring 80 points.

4. Grant

This statement isn’t really true anymore, but I’m keeping it in there because I wrote it before the Julio trade and it provides some comedic value. “In addition to not having sex, there’s another thing Grant hasn’t done this year: improve his team.” Grant has made some upgrades this year at WR after acquiring Theilen and Julio, giving him a well-rounded roster. Dak has been nothing short of excellent, and he may just be the fuel that propels Diesel Jr. into the title game. Dicks out for Dak! And I haven’t even yet mentioned the preeminent Sony Michel, the best keeper “in da leeeeague.” If Grant gets more production out of Gordon, and Hooper comes back healthy soon, Grant has a legit shot to compete.

5. Stephen

Stephen has been rumored to have pulled off a feat rarely seen by mere mortals: the platinum sombrero. The veracity of this claim remains unconfirmed, but if it’s true, then hats off (or perhaps, sombreros off) to Stephen. That’s not the only area in which Stephen has been active this year. He’s made multiple moves to upgrade his roster, bouncing back after losing 5 in a row. (Something is up with the number 5 this year for Stephen.) Thanks to Justin’s recurring ineptitude and other owners selling, Stephen was always going to make the playoffs. The question now shifts to how long class will be in session. Will Stephen be going home the Monday of finals week, or will he be staying until Friday to compete for a title? Time will tell.

6. Earl

Jaws has always prided himself on doing “more with less.” That’s a peculiar thing to take pride in when you’re in a league where everyone is on a level playing ground with resources. In this case, doing “more with less” is a euphemism for “drafting poorly and kind of making up for it with decent waiver pickups.” Earl has recently departed from his “strategy” of playing the entire Kansas City offense each week, which has served him well. He’s a lock to make the playoffs, but his team lacks the top-end firepower to compete for a title. Don’t worry, though: he’s still a candidate for the all-important MOY award! Apparently vacillating back and forth between buying and selling makes you a quality candidate for this award. If that’s the case, it should be a two-man race between Jaws and KUNU.

7. Tom

Honest Abe has had a rather pedestrian year. After missing the keeper deadline, Tom was already well behind the 8 ball. Adding to his list of misfortunes, Antonio Brown decided this was the year to let the world know he was a psychopath. Additionally, Tom decided to cut bait with Dalvin. (Make sure you check Eric’s 95 Theses to for an assessment of whether or not Tom did this too early.) Tom has positioned himself well for next year, and perhaps has a keeper for the future with DJ Chark. If he decides not to keep him, perhaps he can snatch “the coveted Devin Singletary” off of Earl!

8. Justin

Justin appeared to be on track to avoid the dubious distinction of having missed the playoffs 5 consecutive years. He came out of the draft with a top-3 roster, and was sitting at 4-2 after 6 weeks. He hasn’t won a game since. Justin has become remarkably proficient at having bad teams. Consider this: each year, an owner has a 40% chance of missing the playoffs. If you take 40% (0.4) to the fifth power, then you get the probability of an owner missing the playoffs for five straight years. That comes out to be 1%. There’s a 1% chance of missing the playoffs 5 consecutive years. To no one’s surprise, Justin has overcome the odds and snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. Congrats, Justin, on yet another forgettable season.

9. Shula

Another year, another non-title for Shula. But hey, look on the bright side: he has Cooper Kupp for a keeper! Doubtless that will put him over the hump next season. Todd Beall, Jr., has concerned himself more this year with imitating the former CU soccer coach turned pariah than he has wins and losses. To Ethan’s credit, he has amassed a surfeit of cash for 2020. With healthy studs like Mack and Johnson to deal, how could he not end up with a pile of dough at the end of the year? No one has made more money off of now worthless players (excluding Hooper) than Shula. Despite his mound of capital, Will Shula still manage to bungle the 2020 season away? Let me answer that question with a question: is the Pope Catholic? Does John Mark (aka the other Pope) always predict the wrong pitches when watching a baseball game? I think we get the point.

10. Josh

The only things “KUNU” has done more this year than change his Slack name and picture is waiver between buying/selling and lose. Only one word offers a fitting description for this team: execrable. Josh just set a record low for points scored and secured last place and the first ever $50 penalty for finishing in that position. (If only we had some sort of further punishment for last place!) All hope is not lost for Josh, though: he’s up $28 for the 2020 season! That should be more than enough money to push him over the 2-point/week threshold at the TE position.

Power Rankings – Week 12