Written by Ethan Shula
As I write these power rankings in quarantine on the eve of election night, wondering if our nation will continue to support its narcissistic, spray tanned, “Chinese Virus” President, or a man very close to death suffering from what seems to be dementia, alzheimer’s or potentially mad cow disease who threatens to force us to wear masks for the remainder of our lives, I look to the BBC (and its website which has not been updated in a couple weeks @EricHoober get on it!) as a source of hope. A hope for a championship so that I too can join the ranks of those who have hoisted the Rack like Justy Bugs, Dixie Normous and Yo Adr…wait, I forgot, he’ll NEVER win a championship.
1). Swift Buffalo (6-2)
Our TIME IS NOWWW! A team whose name can be tied back to its manager’s Native American heritage (bring back the Redskins) has amassed quite a tribe. Scoring is up across the league, we all know that, but through the first 8 weeks, Swift Buffalo has had 6 different players put up 30+ pts in a single week. Anyone can have a monster game on this team. Russell Ciara Wilson has been well worth the $9 spent to select him in the 2020 Draft and Dalvin TD Cook might just run away with the rushing title by week 12 if he keeps this pace up. Anyone Can Guard Mike has been the single biggest keeper disappointment in the history of the BBC, and after weeks of Josh offering combinations of $5, Brandin Cooks and D Johnson for him, I am officially removing him from the trading block (unless you offer $75 and then he is yours). Kiki Update: Katelyn is great, sick with covid thanks to yours truly but doing fine. No I haven’t purchased the ring yet but maybe here shortly.
2). Prison Mike (6-2)
Justin has managed to make two deals all year, spend a total of $25, has become arguably my biggest rival in Slack thanks to his miserly ways (and you all thought I was a Jew) and yet has a very notable title contender. Patty Mahomes and the WR core are great. Todd Injury Prone Gurley has been healthy and seems to score TD’s every week. Kenyan Sucks Drake is not a viable option and Ronald BuckTooth Jones (please google Ronald Jones II on ESPN) is hit or miss, so it looks like this team is going to ride a two back system into the playoffs. Unless Justin PONIES UP and buys one of Josh’s backs for $110.
3). Super Kamario Bros (6-2)
Even though Ellis’ team put up 68.5 pts this week, I still believe he has a better squad than Tom’s Team aka Team Voldemort. Lamar has been a turnover machine, Jonathan Rookie Sensation Taylor might be losing his starting job, and choosing the right combination of wr’s seems to be challenging, but Alvin is as good as advertised and while Josh Jacobs has been disappointing, I believe an easier schedule moving forward will benefit him greatly. The question is, does Ellis stay with Lamar and his rotating wr group (hey Ellis, $75 for Mike).
4). Tom’s Team (7-1)
Tom will probably win Most Hated Manager after his Auction Draft stunt of trying to save $ for the 2027 Draft and trading away AJ Brown for the Colts Defense. Nice try there Tom! After spending $100 for a running back who hasn’t put up 100 rushing yds in a single game this season and appears to be more focused on a new nose ring than his game, Tom managed to score 100 pts again this week. How? Travis Kelce and Kyler are great and Kareem has been solid, but Chubbers is coming back and will cut into his value. Tom seems to get the right combo of wr’s each week, but will that continue? I’m not a betting man, okay maybe I am thanks to online sports gambling (screw you GB +0.5 yesterday), but I do not believe Tom’s luck will continue long enough for him to win a title. As an unnamed source would say about this year’s champion, ANYONE BUT TOM!
5). Full-Court Prescott (3-5)
Josh, I think it is time to change the name. Dak’s leg is currently in 50 pieces so he won’t be making anymore Campbell’s Chunky commercials this year. Josh is a buyer! No Josh is selling! Wait, no maybe, uhhhhhhhhhh okay he’s BUYING! Until he’s selling again. Josh’s fantasy season has been a wave of emotions, just like Tay Tay’s most recent album which Grant and I were forced to listen to on repeat for 17 hours while we drove a keyless car from Montana to Salt Lake City. Josh, I think you should just hold onto your team and hope for the best. You managed to convince Earl to give you Julio for free (Earl are you okay, times must be rough up there in Palmer. I’ll get to you in a minute) and CMC and Chubb are returning so Josh has a chance. The next three weeks will be huge as he plays Ellis, Schindler and Justin. Will he overcome adversity and persevere?! With Josh’s luck this year, nope.
6). Yarvard U (3-5)
Stephen, I apologize for not returning your calls. My MotoG6, purchased in the great city of Wasilla, Alaska, is suffering from the same form of dementia that Sleepy Joe has. Also, when are you coming to West Virginia to have dinner/lunch with Mr. Tungsten Carbide and I? Stephen is always active in the BBC. He has a solid wr core, and a serviceable back in James Connor. After pillaging Tom for AJ, Stephen is currently projected to finish 5th. I don’t know if he has enough firepower to get very far, but this team could pull an upset in the first round if he manages his way into the playoffs.
7). Justy Bugs (4-4)
Grant, you are welcome to join Stephen, Justin and I for lunch/dinner, but my guess is you will be bouldering with BABY GIRL and the entire Bolyard family (second and third cousins included). Everyone, GRANT IS DATING, if you did not already know from his recent social media activity. Justin we will fill you in. Grant’s team is led by Brandon Aiyuk and Zack Moss?? Things are hard on the farm (insert funny joke about Shelby and boners) but the Bugs did get the W this week! I’m not sure where Grant goes with this team. I believe he has been slightly distracted this season with a certain Mountaineer Woman and his management has suffered. but hey who cares when you’re making out in the backseat of your Jeep!
8). The Cluster Screw (3-5)
Yup, it’s a Cluster alright. Earl spent $77 in the draft on Clyde Edwards-Helaire. Besides having an impressive name, Clyde’s game has been pretty uneventful. Earl refused to spend $5 and acquire Justin Herbert this week and instead proceeded to play Tua-I Still Can’t Pronounce His Name-Loa who put up 5.0. pts. Why Earl?! He also traded away Julio for Lindsay and Edmonds, both of who were on his bench this week while Julio put up 16.5 for Josh. After selling Derrick for $115, by far the best move you have made all year and one I will regret if I do not win a title, Earl appears to have cashed in his chips and is waiting for the 6 months of winter darkness to hit Palmer. We will be praying for you and all the Kinkaid women.
9). & 10).
Most people blow them off entirely in the weekly rankings, but I would like to take this time to showcase our two fine commissioners. Dixie Normous has Aaron and a bunch of players who average about 6.5 pts/week. That’s good for 80 or so pts/week. He has also amassed $394 for the 2021 draft and defeated the lowly Eric Hoober. A job well done. Alex probably won’t get another win this season, but he could pull an upset against The Screw or Justy who he still has on the schedule. Oh Eric…how did we end up here. No relegation, you just lost to Alex, and you currently have 6 players from NFC East teams on your roster. Yes you have a gazilion dollars in auction $ next year, but you will probably draft 8 wrs and Carson Wentz and end up will an early playoff exit once again! Am I salty you didn’t pay $5 for Slayton instead of offering me players who I would have ended up dropping this week, maybe, but Eric comes in at the bottom, just because.