Written by Ethan Shula
We’ve actually made it to week 13. Many doubted whether or not the fantasy football season would crack under the pressure of Covid and the impending Black Plague that would destroy half of the earth’s population. It has killed like 1.5 million, give or take about 250k due to our amazing medical system and government subsidies of up to $39k to hospitals for reporting covid patients on ventilators (but don’t worry, there is no corruption). The Baltimore Ravens single handedly attempted to destroy the NFL season this past week by doing team hot yoga, unmasked, spreading the infectious disease throughout the entire city of Baltimore in attempts to delay the pending matchup with the Steelers until week 18. Well Harbaugh, IT DIDN’T WORK!
In other news our President Elect suffered a broken foot while playing tug-o-war with his large German Shepherd Champ and is now sporting a stylish walking boot. Oh Joe, if this is a sign of things to come, just sit in your rocker at home that way you don’t slip and fall down one of the bazilion flights of stairs in DC.
I will remain unbiased in these rankings and refrain from any personal attacks…
1). Prison Mike
JAMES MOTHER F-ING ROBINSON will score 45.5 pts each week and lead Justin The Shlong Santoro to his first ever BBC title! Justin, I congratulate you on your first ever Champion Elect title and look forward to one day reaching the top of the BBC and all its grandeur. If Tyreek/Mahomes and DK continue to combine for 10 TD’s per week, it won’t matter who Justin is playing because he is going to put up 140 pts and breeze through the playoffs. The running back situation is still a revolving door and could be Justin’s achilles heel if his wr’s have a slight week off come weeks 15/16.
2). Swift Buffalo
This team performed as expected in the regular season. Dalvin and Henry are arguably the best 1-2 punch in the league, but extremely difficult matchups for Dalvin could be a road block in the championship run. Also, Drew Brees’ run in with a semi truck and Joe Burrow’s amputated leg have killed Michael Thomas and Tyler Boyd’s value going into the playoffs. Management probably should have acquired a top WR but failed to do so. The addition of Aaron at QB should prove a value pickup since Russell has faded over the past 3 weeks, but there are more question marks than answers headed into the first round bye.
3). Full Court Prescott
This spot could be given to just about any of the remaining playoff teams. Based on matchups, pedigree and potential ceiling, I have to give it to Full Court Prescott. If healthy, Josh’s team can win the title. The potential combination of Chubb, McCaffery, and Mostert is scary (almost as scary as the Black Mamba that was scurrying around in Josh’s bed, which he caught with his BARE HANDS and now has tamed as a pet). Julio, AJ and Claypool/Lockett are solid. Josh Allen is a potential ? seeing that he has scored more than 20 pts in a game only 2 times since week 4. All of this is predicated on Christian returning, Julio’s hammy healing (Julio and hamstrings just don’t go together), and Chubb continuing to put up 150 yds and a td/wk.
4). Super Kamario Bros
Ellis has a number of difficult decisions going into the playoffs. Does he start Tommy or Tannehill based on matchups? Which of his RB’s does he go with especially in a Saint’s offense that now essentially has 3 RB’s getting time. Does Deebo or DJ get a nod into the starting lineup? None are necessarily bad options, but their ceilings are not extremely high and Ellis will need to make all of the right decisions in order to take his team to the final. I hope your selections are better than my FanDuel picks the past three weeks because if they are not, you will be broke like me.
5). The Cluster Screw
Earl, per usual, has gone from contender to pretender back to contender. Earl doesn’t need much to turn his fantasy season around. The roster isn’t sexy or flashy, but he has WRs that see a ton of targets, RBs that play on sucky teams and thus get a ton of touches, and as a result Earl is always in the game. Currently Earl is a father of two (probably three by now as I expect him to spring the news on us any day) and is searching for a homestead where he and Merrily can till the earth harvesting crops and raising cows and chickens to provide for their dozen children. With all this going on, he managed his way back into the BBC conversation and will probably pull an upset or two and make it all the way to the final because he is Earl and things like that just seem to always happen for him.
6). Tom’s Team
Since acquiring the Colts D in week 6, the Colt’s D has scored the following pts: 5, 16, 7, 12, 7, -4 and half of those weeks they were sitting on the bench. In that same time period, AJ Brown has scored the following pts: 19.5, 24, 10, 18, 2.5, 14, 23. Holy Mother of Sweet Baby Jesus why? We will probably never know what came over Tom that day, I mean I’ve never come anywhere close to even dealing a player for player with him, but this move was the demise of Tom’s Team. The combination of Kyler’s nagging shoulder injury, Kareem’s decrease in value, and the revolving WR door makes it extremely difficult for Tom to make a run.
7). Justy Bugs
Grant “ClearView Swivel Pet Plus 3000” Kovac is currently revving the engine on his new vacuum sucking up all those dust bunnies turning his pad in the Gem City into a Cross Fit athletes paradise. The Bugs pulled out an upset victory over Tom this past week giving him a slight bit of hope going into week 13. But alas, I give him as much of a chance to pull off the historic comeback as Donald has to prove the voter machines stole the election. While Grant is doing some Murph’s and Snatches this off season, he will be hoping his 2021 season turns out better than 2020.
8). Yarvard U
Stephen’s team has seen as much turnover this season as the Ravens roster went through the past 5 days. I think Offensive Coordinator Greg Roman checked in at TE at one point in the third quarter yesterday. Stephen worked very hard to amass his $500 in draft capital, much like the hours and hours it took him to water his lawn this past summer and now he has a luscious green carpet even the Diesel would envy. Stephen still has yet to make a trip to PA to visit Mr. Tungsten and I…maybe I should answer one of the 10,000 calls/emails I have received from Cedarville recently asking for donations and request a visit from Stephen in return for a $100?
9). Dixie Normous
Congratulations, you are not the worst team in the league. Actually, I’d probably take your team over Schindler’s but there is truly no point in debating mediocrity.
10). Yo Adrians
Congratulation, you are the worst team in the league.