Written by Grant Kovac
1). Captain Hook and Ladder (10-1)
It’s no surprise that this owner finds himself as the favorite to hoist the coveted rack.. although, in some ways, this team came back down to planet earth. He only scored 111 points in week 11, which is miserly compared to his week 10 performance of 173 large ones. Welcome back to planet earth Theodore Gurley & James “did we mention that he had cancer?” Connor!!! I don’t expect those lackluster performances to continue.. keep in mind that Ellis’ biggest problem is figuring out which backs to play now that Fournette is healthy – Fournette, Zeke, Gurley, & Connor – WOW! Oh, and not to mention he has tough decisions to make at the WR position as well with the likes of Davante Adams, OBJ, and Keenan “is he black?” Allen. Other BBC members will need to get lucky to beat this fantasy jew!
2). I Am RORY (7-4)
I really like this team going into playoffs.. His roster, up and down, is very strong and has the best chance to beat Steve “hand on my crooked glock” Ellis. His running back trio of Kareem “reppin’ for Toledo” Hunt, Alvin “cool nose ring” Kamara, and Saquon “I saw a video of him squat cleaning 405# this week” Barkley is impressive! I’m not sure he actually needed to acquire Brandin Cooks given his ownership of T.Y. Hilton.. maybe in PPR format – but, what do I know? I’m 1-10. Nice showing from Eric Ebron this week!
(Saquon squat cleans 405.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGWWjkwMWn8)
3). The Cluster Screw! (8-3)
What a win for Earl on the back of Jared Goff!!! This owner comes in at 3rd in power rankings based on strength of roster. Damnit, this owner knows how to put together a starting lineup!!! Earl finds himself in 2nd for PF/G at 113.2 pts vs. Ellis’ ungodly average of 128.7 pts. The only thing that isn’t going well for him is this debacle with Alaska Photography LLC. Hope the sex is still good my friend, you Alaskan coon hound!
4). Grande Se Cador (6-5)
Hey Tom, it’d be nice to hear from you from time-to-time. We use slack now. When he’s not sending texts to his wife saying “SEND NUDES”, he is building his fantasy team. Tough news with Leveon out for the season, but smart move in acquiring Aaron Jones, who seems to be on an absolute rampage. Patrick Mahomes was one hell of a pick and it’s safe to say that all BBC members are jealous of your drafting foresight with this one. This team should be 7-5 by this time next week as he squares away with the always underperforming Yo Adrians side.
5). Ethan Shula (6-5)
News reports are coming in from the Dayton Business Journal, Xenia Gazette, and Troy Daily News proclaiming that, yes, Shula is actually gay! JK, but some may still question this.. Others may actually question his lack of integrity – not paying debts & not growing out his beard when he was the one rallying no-shave November troops, but I digress. His team is good, and it got better with his acquisition of Joseph “pimp hand” Mixon and Juju “thank you for helping us beat the jags” Smith-Schuster. Shula, you better hope that Gronk gets his sh*t together!
6). Yarvard U (8-3)
It’s truly amazing how this manager has the record that he does… But, after diving into the numbers like Joey Chestnut on some Nathan’s hotdogs, it would appear that the average points against this team are the lowest in the league at 84.2 pts. BUT, I cannot fault this manager for something that he cannot control. Well done to make it this far, but I think this manager realizes his championship hopes are dismal given the teams ranked above him. It’s too bad you don’t have Quincy Enunwa taking you to the ‘ship!
7). Dixie Normous (4-7)
Just received a letter from the Dixie Normous owner himself, addressed to all the haterz, saying, “Middle fingers blinged-out to the competition! Sincerely, Alex”. On the backs of Ito Smith, Douglas Martin, and Gio Bernard, I don’t think there is a team that can stop this one. Look for Alex to go undefeated the rest of the way.
8). Yo Adrians (3-8)
I’m not really sure what to make of this team to be honest.. This owner is clearly looking towards the future and has done so by acquiring some additional picks. He will likely use these picks for the maximum allowable WR slots to be filled by poor talent. Also, Ellis’ team is better than your team from 2012… which lost to Buge Hoobies in the ‘ship (I love you Reggie Bush!)
9). Prison Mike’s Riot Squad (2-9)
I think this managers best move this year was picking up Philip Lindsay for ~50 large ones.. Beyond that, this manager was plagued with a plethora of injuries and is, overall, just a bad manager. History backs that up, but fantasy seems to be the least of his concerns right now. Congrats again on lil’ Lucy! I look forward to visiting in January of 2022.
10). DUGE HICK (1-10)
Wow.. what an absolutely disappointing season for DUGE HICK. To be honest, you’d never know that this manager has 2 notches under his belt. But like how God’s amazing grace has gifted me with new life, I too look forward to new beginnings in 2019. As a side note, Justin beat me 60 to 40 in week 10 which is comical and also the reason I’m back in last place. And in response to your question, Schindler, you can piss off! Here are your damn power rankings!!!!