Written by Grant Kovac
1). Swift Buffalo (2-2)
When he’s not transferring his cold sores to KiKi Coutee’s lips, he’s averaging a whopping 144.5 PF/G! That’s outstanding considering his record is tied with the likes of the JUSTY BUGS! Try those Jilky Mugs on for size. Aside from his ability to post massive point totals per week, he will soon cash in on a couple key players returning to his roster – Mike Evans & Michaelangelo Thomas. Expect this team to be 3-2 after his matchup with Yo Adrians. Shula has the best team in the league, hands down.
2). Super Kamario Bros (4-0)
Steve is one of the best managers in this coveted league.. and ALSO one of the most fertile! Speaking of fertility, I’m also glad to announce that Steve has emerged from the desert with an impressive double ot performance in 12 hours… Hold our applause lest I remind my friends of THE ’19 performance of Stephen “no reload time needed” Schindler when he had sex 5 times in 24 hours. Back to fantasy, Steve has built himself quite the squadron with star running backs and plenty of depth at the WR position for future plug-in-play scenarios (could be even more valuable in light of COVID).
3). Prison Mike (3-1) When Justin is working, he is also golfing.. but that doesn’t stop him from slinging dope and buying nickel colbalt from the Auzzies! G’DAYY MATE! Not the greatest performance from this owner last week, which paved the way for Steve to secure his 4-0 start to the 2020 SZN. Question for Justin to consider moving forward.. will Kenyan Drake ever produce like he did towards the end of last season? Regardless, you can anticipate his WR producing more than they did in Week 4. Justin faces a formidable opponent in the JUSTY BUGS, but this owner will likely be sitting at 4-1 by next week.
4). Tom’s Team (4-0)
Truffle Butter, great start to the season! This team is DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP and with the injury to Nick Chubb, this team got even deeper with Kareemboii Hunt. If last week is an indicator of things to come with excellent production from Joebone Mixonbone, expect this team to have a good shot at the title.
5). The Cluster Screw (2-2)
Earl, when you read this.. the BBC needs a full report on the state of the Kincaid women as well as details of their latest trip to Arizona! I can’t really decide whether Earl’s team is good or not.. He is thiccccc with BYE’s this week and thicccc with injuries in the likes of Noah Fant and Austin Ekeler. He’ll need to figure out what to do at TE as his other option, TJ Hockensen, is on BYE. At full health, this team could make a deep run in the playoffs, but expect this team to be 2-3 by next as he faces the fertile left hook of Steve Ellis.
6). Full-Court Prescott (2-2)
This owners thighs are not only THICC, but his team is even THICCCER with injuries. Chubb, Saquon, CMC… Honestly sucks, but this owner did well to pick up the backups from at least 2 of the 3 teams. The success of the team rests on whether or not this team can hang on until Chubb and McCaffery are back at full health, but even then.. does he have the WR core to win a championship
7). Yarvard U (1-3)
5 TIMES IN 24 HOURS!!!! Shit! Tough start for Stephen “essential oils” Schindler as he is tied for the most PA/G at 132.6 (tied with Ethan “let’s go to the Pittsburgh clubs” Shula) and has played the top two teams of this weeks power rankings. With this weeks opponent being Alex and with the return of James Conner, I expect this owner to bet at 2-3. This team is VERY week at RB and ultimately why I have him at 7. It will be interesting to monitor whether this owner sells out or continues to buy-in.
8). Justy Bugs (2-2) On multiple occasions this owner has forgotten to put in his waiver claims like the little bitch that he is.. He attributes these mishaps to the most recent distraction that has entered his life… BB GURL! With his weekends booked up until 2023, this owner wonders when he will be able to watch redzone uninterrupted for 7 hours? This team doesn’t have much star power, but he would say that it is above average..like the size of his.. V8 engine! His team is very dependent upon the Bills production, which presents high risk. This owner will continue to monitor his season and may pounce with some big purchases if the Lord wills it!
9). Dixie Normous (0-4)
Not really worth my time, but this team has a lot of sleepers!
10). Yo Adrians (0-4)
Not really worth my time.