Written by Ethan Shula
1). Yo Adrians (5-3)
After week 6 of the 2018 season, Nick Chubb had a total of 16 touches for 173 yds and 2 tds, and the two tds were 41 & 63 yd runs that came against Oakland in a 42-45 loss. Oh, I forgot to mention, he also had a total of 3 carries that game and Carlos Hyde was the bell cow back. At that pt in the 2018 season, Nick’s Chubb needed to mix things up and make room on his roster for a very important trade which enabled the franchise to make it to the F-ING Final, which we consequently lost AGAIN to Jon “My Cousin is Captain Ahab” Earl. Eric, who’s franchise was muddling in mediocrity again, decided to pick up the insignificant rookie off waivers, and the rest is history. Chubb is amazing now. For once, Eric does not have a 6-man rotating WR corps where he constantly picks the wrong players to start. As long as the Cheetah doesn’t commit child abuse again, the 1,2,3 knockout combo of Hill, Thomas and Godwin is unstoppable. And since Eric sold his soul and first-born child to the devil for Dalvin, it’s going to be extremely difficult to stop him. He has managed to turn from an honorable protector of the league, to the most hated manager, constantly causing a ruckus in slack, trying to pollute the people’s minds on draft $ value, attempting to make deals with waiver wire $, pushing through new agenda items without unanimous consensus…all for the sake of a title. I’m calling for the impeachment of Eric Hoober! (only need two yes votes to approve, Josh let’s make this happen).
2). Knights of the Night (6-2)
Alex, as it states in Hosea 13:5, “I cared for you in the wilderness, In the land of drought.” We know it’s a dark and dry place for you right now, damn is it dry. But have faith, and know that in the morning, the dew will come once again just like it did for the Fleece of Gideon! The Knights of the Knight find themselves at #2, but it’s a crap shoot between them and that pigeon of a team whose name comes after a fictional boxer who got his ass handed to him by Apollo. Saquads and McCaffrey are amazing, and D Henry is a freight train. The only question mark for Alex is if his WR corps can keep up with Eric. If Quads and Christian combine for 50-60/week it might not matter. Looking back at the draft, Alex hit on almost every pick, probably the most impressive performance in a draft in recent memory. His trade for Saquads completely F-d everyone’s Auction $ evaluations, so thanks a lot, but the deal will be looked back on as a good one if the Knights go on to win the title.
3). Kig Bahunas (5-3)
TMZ is reporting that Grant “I Will Consummate” Kovac is eloping to Palmer to wed the bodacious MOLLY CANNONS KINCAID! This nugget of a story coming on the heels of reports that over the weekend, Bahunas was sweating more aggressively than Jorge Weber in a Bang-Na sweat shop on the dance floor. So much so the locals referred to him as El Gringo Mojado. Many beautiful women tried to woo him, but in the end, he could not resist the CANNONS! They have not set a date. In other news, half of Grants team was on bye. Melvin does not look like a #1 RB, but with Zeke and Ingram coming back he is fine at the RB position. Keenan Allen has been extremely disappointing and if Grant wants to make a legitimate run at his 3rd title, he is going to need to bolster his WR corps. Might I suggest taking a look at Adam “Top 10 Wr” Thielen who is being flaunted out there for sale by yours truly. Also, you’re welcome for the #1 TE.
4). Prison Mike’s Dementors (4-4)
When the Reverend isn’t running down leads for the bustling tungsten carbide business, you can find him watching documentaries on the hunting practices of sperm whales, as reported by the Reverend himself. Justin has been blessed with many things in his life, a loving family, athletic ability, a massive shlong, and of course the New England D who has been absolutely smashing the AFC East, much like The Reverend does while procreating with his beautiful wife Laura, Lord bless her soul. Leonard seems to have figured out how to run the ball again and Gurley is good for 10-12 pts/game, so RB isn’t a concern for Justin right now. What New England has been able to do defensively is unbelievable, but I expect them to come down to earth over the next 6 weeks when they play actual NFL caliber offenses. Still, Santo looks locked into a playoff spot and I expect him to make it to the semifinal round.
5). Voodoo Mama JuJu (6-2)
Ellis, I hope you have enjoyed the rankings thus far, more to come. You find yourself at #5 because, well, I really don’t know what to make of your roster. Carson and Lamar are good, but after that??? Lat was great filling in but will go to backup duty once Kamara is healthy. JuJu and Ridley are best served as #2/Flex, so a solid #1 option would serve you well. Might I suggest Adam “Top 10 Wr” Thielen as a potential option? Ty Montgomery showed up this past weekend, but the Bears offense is about consistent as Grant’s 1 touch passing. Juice’s season has not gone as planned, much like that night when two prostitutes robbed him blind while he dropped some lit rhymes. Fortunately for Ellis, Bell has arguably the easiest upcoming schedule and should be able to put up some numbers. For your entertainment purposes, please listen to this song about Lev Bell…
6). Yarvard U (3-5)
First, I will concede that Schindler has the #1 RB in GB, congratulations, but it would be wise for this manager to put up an EVERYTHING MUST GO sign cause you aren’t winning the title. Just accept it. Currently riding a league high 5 game losing streak, he finds himself in the bottom 4 behind 2 time MOY Jon Earl. OBJ and Freeman are on bad teams and Robert Woods is maybe worth 5 Baht (that converts to 17 cents if you were wondering). Trading for Russell and Adams will help, and it probably means he squeaks into the final playoff spot, but this is not a championship roster. On Sunday’s, Stephen “5 Times in 1 Day” Schindler has turned his attention from fantasy football to pre-small group sexual escapades with his lovely wife Anna. That’s probably a much better use of his time since there will be no Rack displayed in Cedarville, OH this year.
7). Power Abuse (2-6)
Let’s face it, the rest of the teams from here on suck ass, starting with Josh. I was on the record stating that this manager would be placed at the 10 spot no matter what for this week’s rankings. I lied. I couldn’t do it to him. He’s already been decimated by injury, bad drafting, indefensible waiver wire bidding practices (#71forHock), bench mismanagement, has scored the fewest pts in the league…should I keep going? Plus, frustration stemming from an inconsistent sex life for the self-proclaimed “jungle cat” has caused him to lash out at Eric by instituting weekly slack bans. (Everyone please add Josh’s sex life to your weekly prayer list.) His abusement of power has received countless threats from the masses and if you didn’t actually take a look at his roster, you’d think all hope was lost. Well, trading away Russell, Davante and Diggs probably did end all hope so welcome to the race for last place! I was going to say that I would give my left nut for Josh’s roster, and yes it’s blue thanks to Katelyn #TexasA&M, but not anymore. Josh will look back at this season as one he would like to forget and focus on the live draft in 2020.
8). The Cluster Screw (4-4)
The Cluster Crew is 4-4 and no one has any idea how…I’m still baffled. His starting lineup which included Drew Brees, Kenny Golladay and a bunch of backup rbs managed to put up 96 pts and beat me again. The San Fran D is amazing and with Mahones return looming, Jaws “Sunday Sex is Best” Earl would do well to trade Brees to improve his roster. Diggs should give him a little boost but with Adam “Top 10 Wr” Thielen set to return, Diggs’ redzone targets will fade away. With Schindler’s recent move, I do not see the Clusters being able to hold onto the final playoff spot for much longer. But yet again this is Earl we’re talking about, so Melvin will probably blow out his knee, the entire KC RB corps will come down with mono besides McCoy, and Kenny Stills will sprout wings and go for 100 and 1 td in every remaining game pushing the Screw into the top 4 by the end of the season!
9). #Hustled (1-7)
COOPER FOR PRESIDENT 2020! Katelyn is doing well. I ran out of steaks to grill so we’re going to have to go with the hot sausage this week and hope for the best. Ok, I will concede and say that I do not have the best WR tandem in the league. But damn, did you see Cooper in London this past weekend?! With AP getting 20 touches a week at age 57, McLaurin has 0 value in the high-flying Wash offense. Tom and Yarvard are coming up on the schedule, so there’s a chance for #Hustled to get to 3 wins, but that probably won’t happen since something always seems to go wrong. There is breaking news on Adam “Pay Me My $” Thielen…see below.
10). For Sale Eyes on 2020 (4-4)
Tom’s season took a turn for the worst when he selected Mr. Big Chest, aka Ronald Ocean, aka Jack Ass in Round 2 of the draft. He did well last week though, bending Eric over for $1 MILLON RUPEES for Dalvin…No Lube. Tevin Coleman and DJ Chark Jr. have turned into nice options and should put Tom at about the 60-70 pts/week mark, welcome to the club. It will be interesting to see if Kareem becomes fantasy relevant upon his return week 10. Based on the Brown’s season so far and their ineptitude at the coaching position, I’d put my money on Kareem stealing 10-12 touches/game from Chubb. Yeah screw Hoober!
OFFICIAL: Adam Thielen to Grant “Ballsaaaack” Kovac for $40 Auction Moolah